The First 50

[Stephan Loy]

The first fifty pages. That's what they ask for, the agents and publishers. It's the first fifty, or the first three chapters, or some other finite sample of writing on which they will decide your fate as a writer. That sample, that naked ambassador to the slavering, violent world of publishing, is the focus of this blog. Everyone faces it, unless you've pointed yourself toward short stories and poetry. Will the diminutive packet of words you send grab the agent's intern/reader by the throat? Will it still his recycling hand? Will it inspire him, even, to carry the submission with reverence and hope to that great, godlike denizen of the front office? Probably not. But there's always hope. And more important than hope is preparation.

I've written a novel. Well, more than one, but let's keep it simple. Now I'm working to get that novel published, which means finding an agent who can find an outlet. I've researched the agents, I've read the work they represent and I've carefully filed their requirements for submission. Now it's time for the pitch.

Or, almost time. I need your help. I need your eyes, your minds, your hearts and, through all that, your opinions. I would like to run that first fifty by you and get your unbiased, truthful take on its chances in the grind. To that end, I intend to post here portions of the likely submitted sample. You would read the packets I post, comment on them, and comment on the comments. If you were an agent, would this tickle your fancy? Would you see dollar signs? Would you see a product and an author you could work with?

Would you return something other than a form letter rejection slip?

So, how about it? You read mine, comment on mine, and make sure you send me directions to yours so I can return the favor. That's one of the reasons we're here, right? Or it could be. Authors helping authors. The sincere exchange of artistic criticism. And commercial criticism, too. No obligations. You might start enthusiastically, then turn away when you don't like what you read. But, please, tell me so and why you didn't like it. Feedback is the point. I'll post stuff as often as people seem to want it, starting at maybe once a week or bi-weekly. I want to make the experience effortless for you and meaningful for me. I want the book that goes into the world to be the best possible book it can be.

So, are you game?

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Not one to waste time, I submit first the most important few words of the coming sample: the query letter. More important than even the book itself, the query letter is the ninja invader that pries open the doors of publishing, even if just a crack. Without a strong query, a book is nothing more than a hobby. Without the query as herald, the book would be shot on approach and bulldozed into the mass grave of all its other unannounced brethren. Why, to believe the market, there's almost no point to the actual book. A query must be so cleverly and masterfully written as to be better than the book could hope to be. Why publish books at all? Let the reading public gorge itself on query letters and marvel what great books those might have made! Okay, I'm over the top, I know. But it's nonetheless true that a carefully constructed query can get a book through doors it might never have opened otherwise.

So, in deference to its commercial if not artistic importance, please eyeball this query and give me a feel for how it might be received. Remember, you are the agent. Read it as the agent. Would you ask for more if this landed on your desk?

Thanks. I got nothin' but love for all o' ya.

Steve.

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Here's the query (It has a letterhead and is pinpointed to a specific agent):

Name of Agent,

Please consider ISIS WEPT, my novel of ancient Egyptian myth. ISIS WEPT is as epic fantasy, but with a picture of Egyptian life in the vein of Pauline Gedge's successful novels. Where Gedge concentrates on historical events in her Lords of the Two Lands fiction series, I seek to bring the same sense of realism, texture and immediacy to the fantasy aspect of this subject.

In ISIS WEPT, the gods live among men. They are the protagonists and antagonists in the 8000-year-old story of Isis and Osiris, Egyptian gods doomed by sibling jealousy and the chessmanship of immortals. Osiris, a god of order and husband to Isis, is murdered by his brother Set, who desires his sibling's kingdom, wife and honors. Isis, beset by that chaotic fellow god, must withstand the heinous attentions of Set, escape his captivity, then search the world for her husband's body, hoping to resurrect him. Set's act of fratricide unleashes a series of events that fractures all affinity between gods and men, pits immortal against immortal, and gives rise to the pharaohs that would thereafter rule Egypt.

Though ISIS WEPT is primarily a fantasy novel, it is a story steeped in the culture and mythology of ancient Egypt. I have carefully researched the enduring legend of the gods and have taken great care with details of the daily lives of ordinary Egyptians. An art educator, I have marshaled twenty years studying the art, culture and legends of ancient Egypt so that I might weave a fantastic tale within a believable frame. This 112,000 word story is intended to appeal not only to fantasy readers, but also to those who enjoy fiction with an Egyptian theme, a sub-genre that has demonstrated commercial possibilities in the many works of Lynda Robinson, Sarah Isadore and especially Pauline Gedge.

Thank you for your time. I anticipate your favorable consideration.





Stephan Michael Loy

[Stephan Loy]

Here's a revision:

Name of Agent,

Please consider ISIS WEPT, my novel of ancient Egyptian myth. ISIS WEPT is a fantasy-thriller that portrays Egyptian life in the vein of Pauline Gedge's successful novels. Where Gedge concentrates on historical events in her Lords of the Two Lands fiction series, I seek to bring the same sense of realism, texture and immediacy to the fantasy aspect of this subject.

In ISIS WEPT, the gods live among men. They are the protagonists and antagonists in the 8000-year-old story of Isis and Osiris, Egyptian gods doomed by sibling jealousy and the chessmanship of immortals. Osiris, a god of order and husband to Isis, is murdered by his brother Set, who desires his sibling's kingdom, wife and honors. Isis, beset by that chaotic fellow god, must withstand the heinous attentions of Set, escape his captivity, then search the world for her husband's body, hoping to resurrect him. Set's act of fratricide unleashes a series of events that fractures all affinity between gods and men, pits immortal against immortal, and gives rise to the pharaohs that would thereafter rule Egypt.

Though ISIS WEPT is primarily a fantasy novel, it is a story steeped in the culture and mythology of ancient Egypt. I have carefully researched the enduring legend of the gods and have taken great care with details of the daily lives of ordinary Egyptians. An art educator, I have marshaled twenty years studying the art, culture and legends of ancient Egypt so that I might weave a fantastic tale within a believable frame. This 112,000 word story is intended to appeal not only to fantasy readers, but also to those who enjoy fiction with an Egyptian theme, a sub-genre that has demonstrated commercial strength in the many works of Lynda Robinson, Sarah Isidore and especially Pauline Gedge. This particular story has potential for at least two books using the same characters, possibly more.

Thank you for your time. I anticipate your favorable consideration.





Stephan Michael Loy

[Stephan Loy]

So I'm changing the "epic fantasy" bit to "fantasy-thriller", which I like better anyway and makes more sense for the story. Synapses just wouldn't fire that direction. And I will mention that the story has the potential to span at least two books, maybe three. Thanks all for the suggestions so far.
I have Noah Lukeman's book. I also have others that contradict his to some degree or the other. I think that's where the varying tastes of agents comes in. As for e-publishing, I have no gripe against it, as long as it pays. My inviolable rule is that I get paid for my work rather than paying someone to print my work. I've no desire to sell books out of my trunk, or engage in the electronic version thereof.
But I'll start with the corporeal companies. One thing I also wish to do is build publication credits. The problem there is that too many publishers and agents, even those in the e-sphere, don't look highly on the e-book industry. If possible, I'd like to get printed in paper; they'll respect that more. But I have a few e-publishers on my list of possibles, push come to shove.

[Ronald Peponis]

All this may be academic with the advent of ePublishing. I think the book business is going to tear itself apart in the next year and the Phoenix will be any publisher and agent that embraces electronic ink. Old duffers my age may have a nostalgic bent towards the printed word on page - but the new buying public has no such loyalty. My book is not finished - but when it is - I will be going with an agent that is committed to ePublishing and a publisher that is committed likewise. I would suggest that you look into the discussion about ePublhishing on the Wrtier's Box. I don't think the publishing industry will survive the recession in it's current form. Anyone serious about publishing their work should look into this area seriously. All the old rules will be over turned and things will get much more difficult.

[Vic]

I have this to say: your querry letter looks pretty good and I might buy your book if I saw this as a back of book blurb so I think it works. Whether or not it will get you the attention of an agent I don't know...

I have basically decided that eventually when I finish writing my novel I will go self published. the why of this is that I really don't want to wait to see my book out there and I don't want to have to argue with an editor if he doesn't like the overall book.

I'll listen to people who say this needs to be improved this way (if I agree with them...)

[Stephan Loy]

God help the one without an asshole! Anyway, thanks for those comments. Interestingly, Rich's evaluation seems to hang pretty close to what all the literature I've read says. They've all said to couple your work to some already published piece or its author, as in to actually say that yours is similar to an extant publication. Apparently, the agenting world isn't looking for something original, they're looking for something they can market. That is, if they've sold a bunch of Pauline Gedge or somebody else has sold a bunch of Pauline Gedge, then they want something like Pauline Gedge because they know where they can sell it. But they also want the work differentiated from Pauline Gedge in some way.
Additionally, they want to see if the writer has thought about the demographic for the piece, and they want to know if the writer has "qualifications". In fact, article after article says that if there aren't any qualifications in that third (in some resources fourth) paragraph, then you can hang it up. The agents skip over everything else, go to those qualifications, and if they don't like what they see, they don't even look at the rest of the letter.
But I also noticed that the articles I read tended to disagree with one another, which is why I'm hunting for lots of impressions. Even after reading a bunch of articles and a few books on the subject, I still don't know what a winning query should look like.
Ron, I copy the suggestion of three sample chapters and a synopsis. All that is part of the package, if the agent has such in their guidelines. This, though, is just about the query itself.

[James]

I think your query letter is good. I know a lot of people may be thinking, "why compare your work to someone else?" "Don't you want to be original?"

Unfortunately, the publishing business is a lot like Hollywood. They want something they know people will buy. If you are like someone else who sells books (even if you're really not), they think of this as a guarantee that you will sell books.

Also, agents have different tastes just like everyone else. They are more likely to read something if they have a good chance of enjoying it.

Last, it shows you have done your homework. You know the genre. You know the agent. You know where your work fits in.

You can go ahead and lay the whole damn thing on me. I know you've got some skills, and I like the concept. If you would like me to read the entire novel for you, I'm game.

For what its worth, I have been published and paid for few articles and for parts of collaborations in various adventure gaming works. I have never been able to get a short story published (didn't try very hard either). I have yet to query for a novel, but I have read a few books on the subject.

Have you read "How to Write a Great Query Letter," by Noah Lukeman? It looks like you are following his formula. If not, I can email you a PDF of the book. Does his formula work? I dunno. But he is an agent, and other query letter examples I have seen look pretty similar. His 76-page PDF goes more in depth on the query letter than any other book I've read.

[Ronald Peponis]

Opps! Did I forget to mentioned I'm not a published author - I have never written a query letter - so Rich has two up on me. Still opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one (I like crude euphemisms as well).

[Rich Wells]

All right, buddy. Your pitch looked good to me, but I've only just sent off my first query letters EVER, which makes me a rank amateur. I'll post that query sometime this week, so I can get some feedback. Looking at your pitch, though, I can see where I may have made some amateurish mistakes, but I've only sent it off to two agents in the Urban Fantasy field.

I think that you adequately portrayed in your pitch that there is bloodshed and malfeasance aplenty in your piece, and that you are familiar with other pieces that will help to demonstrate that you have at least a feel for what constitutes marketable Egyptian-themed fiction. You have also stated what sets your project apart from what is already out there, so the agent in question will be intrigued that you are approaching this subject from a different angle. Also, you have mentioned your background as an educator, so the agent looking at this query will take into consideration the notion that you are not some guy just pulling shit out of his ass, if you'll pardon the crude euphemism (I LOVE crude euphemisms!).

Your query strikes me as the query for a more literate novel, not a genre piece. It seems to me that hitting the agent in the face with "Death and Mayhem in Ancient Egypt!" might be viewed as deceptive, if I'm correct about the literary nature of your submission. And so I think that a more reasoned, suitable approach is called for, and yours seems well-executed to me.

And still, I return to my disclaimer. I'm a rank amateur. I am waiting to hear back from my first query letters ever. In fact, checking my email to see if I had a reply from those is how I stumbled across your post here at the time I did. So my liking your pitch is like a kindergartener saying he likes Martin Scorcese's film more than Francis Ford Coppola's. Big whoopty doo! What does a little kindergartner know? Nevertheless, there you have it.

[Ronald Peponis]

I think it was DeMille that said he liked a story that started with an earth shattering quake and then built up to a climax. I agree with Jasen - hit 'em hard.

[Jasen Ward]

I'd agree Ron on that. I like the concept, but need to know what makes your story different. I love mythology and especially ancient Egypt, however, I need more to buy into this. The query should punch the highlights and stay very brief. 44 floors is a lot. I'd say more like 7 seconds because web readers comprise most of the interns these days. You've got 50 words to convince them to read so get in and out.

Sadly, that is why action seems always come up front. So, slap them in the face with your premise... rude? Yes, but suited to the attention span of those you have to get through.